Stories from the Autism Spectrum.
For a big chunk of my adult life…all of my 20’s, half of my 30’s…I put a huge amount of effort into avoiding people. I socially isolated, worked a graveyard shift. I was good at this. Disappearing, I learned, is my one real talent.
The exception to this habit: every few years I would visit with my family at Christmas. Everyone would get together, do the traditional gift/meal/football-watching thing.
When I was in 5th grade, the bully thing became a problem. There had been minor amounts of it in previous years. But- as the social world become more complex, and my awkwardness created more tension- the number of bullies increased.
December, 2009
Monday morning, 7 a.m.
I make a rare appearance in the break room at work. I’m sipping coffee, trying to wake up. I’m standing in the corner hoping to avoid people, but a co-worker makes intentional eye contact and starts walking towards me. I think, “Why, god? Why?” I can’t remember his name or which department he’s from.
The protective social mimicry kicks in.
I.
When I was growing up, Asperger’s did not yet exist as a diagnosis. I struggled to make sense of my sensory and social confusion. For many years, I lived with a lot of anxiety, discomfort.
Books ended up being my one reliable source of stability. I liked books. Reading functioned as a powerful form of escape- they gave my mind a way to blunt much of the anxiety and stress. They permeated every aspect of my life…I used books like shields, tried to work them into as many situations as possible.
Written-out moments from a conversation with an autism specialist.
I am currently going back, piecing together all of these sessions, and hope to make them available at some point. This is one example….the topic of this discussion was one we re-visited more than any other: the daily task of processing social data.
This is about anxiety and peaceful places. Turns out: “peaceful” isn’t always located where we think it is.
I.
As mentioned in a previous post, my social struggles during elementary school created an intense fear of other people. I sought out friendships, but lacked the basic communication skills necessary to traverse the social world. What I did not understand at the time: I lacked body language and was not picking up on the nuances of non-verbal cues. I was blind, in other words, to a large portion of the shared context that I experienced with other kids. Needing people, interested in others, I walked- repeatedly- into the buzz saw of rejection.
My self-confidence eroded. I became quiet, withdrawn. And afraid.
II.
In a strange way, the situation improved once the social world became more complicated. [Read more…]